Maintaining the Facade {Sivenka's Journal}

Diaries, logs, and personal notes.
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Sivenka
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Maintaining the Facade {Sivenka's Journal}

Post by Sivenka » 01/26/16

((Disclaimer: None of this is IC information!))

Before I begin, I should point out that this is all Alovirian's fault. This journal thing, that is. I'm certain there is more that I might blame on him, but at the moment this is what is on my mind.

~Sivenka tapped the feather of the quill against her cheek, her gaze drifting off into the darkness beyond the circle of candlelight at her desk. The conversation with Alovirian had been uncomfortable, to say the least. Nearly to the point of pain. Besides Verethne, he was her oldest friend. The pair of them knew about her frigid nature and the perils thereof, but she rarely confided about her troubles with it.~


He offered a suggestion, and of course being Alovirian he couched it in as many disclaimers as actual words of advice. He ultimately said, "My approach to most problems starts with recon. Understand the terrain, the enemy, and your assets. So, here, your mind, your temper, and your will to change. If you need to understand your mind, and you do, you might try keeping a journal so that you can examine your thoughts at your leisure."

He then went on to suggest meditation. I'll have to consider it, but perhaps at a later date. One change at a time.

If you happen to be reading this journal: My name is Shiver, and if I discover you doing this while I am still alive I'll gut you. So think long before continuing.

~She stared into the darkness again, a muscle in her cheek twitching at the thought of someone violating her privacy.~

Alo is incorrect. This is not something that is free of stress. Here I am getting worked up again over the mere thought of something. Let me try again.

My name is Sivenka. Once upon a time I was called Venka, when I was a hot-blooded sailor and estate guard. These days, I prefer Shiver. While some might think that's a constant callout to my icy veins, it's actually something more to me. It's a reminder, to stay chilled inside. It's when I let the flames of temper rise that bad things happen.

I'm sure I sound like a monster, and I feel like a monster at times. There's that fable of the king who wanted to be able to turn everything he touched into gold, only to find that he destroyed his daughter, couldn't eat, ruined his entire household. Only this isn't everything I touch, it's not by choice, and who the fuck wants "frozen, broken-ass shit" as a wish?

Where was I? Oh, Sivenka. Sivenka McClare, once upon a time. But now, and I know it's cheesy, Sivenka Frostheart. I didn't choose the last name, but it follows me. And allows me to distance myself, at least a little, from the clan. They're still out there, and they're still mine. I still love them to death. But I can't be around them as much as I'd like. I don't want one of them to be the victim when I lose control of myself. I mean, there's the whole berserker thing as well, at least that's what they call my fighting style. Kind of a double hit for the anger thing.

Again, sounding like a monster. It's not so bad, I guess. Just freezing things solid. Ever since the accident. Incident? I'm not sure which word is appropriate. I'd ask Alo, but he said this journal thing has to be a private experience in order for it to work. Sometimes he's a real jerk.

Huh.

I was able to write that he's a jerk without feeling the flames of temper rising. Maybe this journal has some merit, after all.
Alo is a jerk. Quel is frustrating in his determinedly neutral drift through life. Vere will not stop putting herself into danger. But I suppose I care for them all equally, in a way. Well, not equally, I mean.. Alo..

~Pleased with her ability to actually write down these thoughts, the woman stares once more into the darkness, this time with a wide smile on her tattooed face. After a moment she shakes her head and continues writing.~

We have a couple of others pulled in at this point. Reysh; I'm not sure how I feel about him yet. I'll need to get to know him further. Vere seems to trust him, but I worry that he's a little too greedy for the group. Perhaps given time he'll prove otherwise, but I'll keep my eye on him just the same. Especially as he seems to grow closer to my charge. If he hurts her.. well, I'm still young enough to give him a good thrashing, and old enough to know when to stop before I kill him.

Iosabella, she's a strange one. Addicted to working hard, that's for sure. And taller than me. I kind of wish I'd known her father, she says he was over 7 foot. But boy does that one have a temper. I heard she nearly walked out after Reysh insulted her. I kind of envy the temper thing, letting it out at least.

Well, I suppose I owe Alo a drink. This worked out quite nicely indeed. I'll have to write more on another day.

~Folding the book closed, she places it among other notebooks on her crowded desk. The office was warded, and honestly if anyone dared take a look at her journal she'd just find a way to make them suffer.~

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Sivenka
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Re: Maintaining the Facade {Sivenka's Journal}

Post by Sivenka » 01/26/16

~Shiver sits down again at her desk, a thoughtful expression on her stern features. After a moment's consideration, she reaches for the pile of notebooks and fishes out her journal.~

I forgot to buy Alovirian the drink. I do think, however, the reason why I forgot is enough that I can forgive myself the oversight. We went out last night for sort of a group dinner. The four of us have had bad luck in connecting of late, so we decided to go out and catch a drink and a bite at the so-called Ice Dragon's Rest. The four of us being Verethne, myself, Quel, and Alovirian.

Have to say - I really liked the place. Nice and cold, and open. I felt like I could actually breathe there. And they had a good selection of Halasian whiskey. Always a bonus, that.

We settled in for our meal, and heard a young teir'dal at the counter asking after work. We invited him over to our table, and after some conversation decided to offer him the chance to work for us. Reysh showed up during the conversation as well, making it a truly group outing.

Tamur, his name was, was given a task. We sent Iosabella out scouting after him to be sure he did not do anything stupid and hurt himself, and she reported back that he handled the situation acceptably. We did end up having to reimburse the kid.

I think he'll do well to learn from Quel. A teir'dal druid, that's not something you see every day. Awful young and wild. Kind of the opposite of Quel. Which is why I think he'll learn well.

~A thought distracts her, and she looks up and into the darkness in the corners of her room again. Her finger taps a pattern on the desk, until finally she shakes her head and turns back to her journal.~

I had to share a pillow at the tavern with Alovirian, as the table got full. So there's that. Then Quel pissed me off - suggested that I was failing at guarding the Baroness because I had my back to the door. I had to go home and break a couple of tables to get over it. I really should consider adding tables to my budgetary requests. Quel's fault after all.

~She considers what she'd just written, then smirks.~

Hey, I was able to write that without hitting a rage. I like this journal thing. I really do owe Alo that drink. Perhaps I can just ship him one.

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Sivenka
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Re: Maintaining the Facade {Sivenka's Journal}

Post by Sivenka » 01/26/16

~Sitting down in a shambled office, Sivenka stares for long moments at her desk. Her eyes are sightless with thought, for the moment seeing nothing but the memories cascading within her troubled head. Finally she reaches and fumbles through a pile of notebooks until she finds the right one and cracks it open.~

I underbudgeted for tables. You'd think that 20 a month would be enough, especially after I have been working so hard at keeping my temper in check. I'm up to 40 since last week. Perhaps they are losing their luster for me.

~As she writes, her gaze shifts to the pile of icy wood shards in the corner of the room, piled precariously and dripping water to the floor as they slowly melt.~

We had a discussion with a man named Xannis, whom I met at that Spider lounge the other evening. Friendly chap, warm where I'm cold it seems. I set him on a path to discuss things with Verethne, and as it turned out a possible alliance is in the cards.

Until we went to meet him about communication methods, and were blindsided that this was not simply a single alliance. That is not something we had discussed. While we were there, both Verethne and Alovirian felt the need to insult me over the commlinks. I left, before destroying something in the lovely hall we were visiting.

As for the others..

It seems that some people are determined to walk backward for all they move forward. I was feeling much more comfortable with Reysh, for example, just this week. He seems.. seemed.. to make the Baroness happy. By extension, that makes me happy. She and I were even discussing him, while working out our own tiff. I had given my blessing, such as it is, and told her that so long as he wasn't hurting her or hadn't done anything to hurt her, I would not stand in the way of whatever weirdness their relationship might be.

And then he had to fuck it up.

When all was said and done I'd destroyed 26 brand new oaken tables. The good part is that I did not destroy a person. I wanted to. Oh, journal, how much I wanted to, when I saw the pain written across the Baroness' face.

He likely thinks I wish to kill him. In my way, I do. But I'd much rather he suffer the pain of what he put her through with his lies. For that, I need simply sit back and let him stew.

~She grins a cruel grin, and the quill in her hand slowly fades from deep black to an icy blue, straining up from where she touches it to the feathery tips. Another moment, and it shatters as she exhales a low sigh, too fragile even for that little wind. Her fingertips are frozen to the journal page, and she carefully peels the parchment away from her skin before closing the book and stacking it away.~

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