Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

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Echo
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Echo » 09/25/15

I have kept so very busy through the summer and into this fall season. I have so much on my plate, and I find that my grieving process hits me in the guts at very inopportune moments. It's not just sorrow, but anger and a sense of waste.

Every night, I try to write a bit more of our book. Last night, the answer to a major plot question came to me in a dream of a conversation with Paul. I was so pleased, so delighted -- elated to know how it all ends. Then I woke up, and reality came crashing down on me like a pyroclastic flow, suffocating everything in its wake. My grandmother, who is a deeply faithful woman, would say that Paul was visiting me. That is cold comfort for an atheist who does not believe in the supernatural; it becomes a bitter wish for something I don't believe is real. It has become enraging, all of the cloying woo bullshit that people sling at me. And then I feel terrible for being such an asshole, because they are just trying to help me feel better with their, "well he's always with you" or their "he's smiling down from heaven". Lack of faith is just lack of faith. All of those sentiments may be true for the faithful, but for me, they just remind me that I will never see him again. That sense of loss is punctuated by my anger with him. I'm so fucking mad. Those feelings don't help one another.

This is much harder than I imagined. There isn't anything anyone can do; it just... it takes time. That's all that will fix this, inasmuch as it can be fixed. Thanks for listening; that's really all I needed.

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Gineva » 09/26/15

Echo, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the hurting part go away. I can't. All I can do is express that I am here, that I understand that searing sort of loss from my own experiences, and that my heart reaches out to yours. You're right. It just takes time. It sucks. It hurts. And it takes stupid amounts of time. If you ever need to talk, I'm there on GTalk. If not, I am here for you in mind, in heart, and in spirit. You are not alone, darling.

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Slipps
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Slipps » 09/26/15

*hugs Echo*

It is hard, and it will soften over time, but I will not lie and say the grief every really goes away, or will not catch you at odd moments the rest of your life. Though, those pangs will become more bearable.

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Sibelle
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Sibelle » 09/26/15

*hugs Echo*

Just feel your feelings. That's all you can really do.

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Scrattch » 09/26/15

FWIW, Echo...

I know *exactly* how you feel.

I know how empty it all seems.
I know how words are just sound and fury, signifying NOTHING.
I know how you scream in your head in the middle of the night.
I know how you scream until you can't breathe because the pain is far more intense than *anything* you ever expected.
I know how you curl yourself into a little ball around the ache of a part of you that is now empty and can never be filled again.
I know how you torture yourself with deliberate reminders.
I know the guilt, and the anger.
I know how the stupid, little things you talk about suddenly punch you in the gut and knock you back down *just* when you thought you finally had a grip.

I won't tell you it 'gets better' or feed you platitudes.
It doesn't go away.

EVER.

You'll live with it every minute of every day for the rest of your life.

But...

You *will* live.
You *will* go on.
You'll have to. You have to learn to live with it or it will consume you.

Right as my entire world was beginning to fracture, when I saw the handwriting on the wall and knew full well what was coming, I admitted my fears to a very kind person who barely knew me. Of all the platitudes, good wishes, thoughts, prayers, advice, blah blah blah... her words stuck with me.

I'll tell you exactly what she told me:

"Allow yourself permission to experience the grief. Don't try to control it, just experience it."

FWIW. Hope it helps.

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Echo
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Echo » 09/26/15

That is very kind of you. Thank you so much. I do try to offer myself kindness on this, but I feel divorced from my feelings most of the time. I'm aware they are there, gnawing at my psyche, but I can't seem to find them and deal with them. I dream. I feel irritated. I can't really concentrate sometimes. But cry? I hardly ever even puddle up. And yet... I find my breath catching. A man was ambling up the street today and walked just like Paul. I literally clutched my chest, dramatic as is sounds, because it felt like my heart was about to pour out from between my ribs.

I've lost people before. People I loved a lot, even. I think this one has shattered me so, for the simple fact that Paul died on a downswing. I mean, let's not mince words; things weren't going well for him on almost any front, and without Lyah, he would have been in serious trouble as far as housing went. He did not get the happy ending I imagined up for him. And it feels so bitter and unfair. I'm having trouble with that fact. Garridan said elsewhere that Paul seemed like he would have been a good father. That's true. He wanted children very much. I'm profoundly sad he never had the chance to be the dad I know he could have been.

Ugh. I'm sorry to go on and on. I don't mean to sound maudlin and weak. This is just... it's very complicated and hard.

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Zilvrae » 10/11/15

*grumpy grump*
Ok, so yesterday I found out that back on Thursday my father had gone into the hospital for surgery, without telling me. He had a large tumor removed from his bladder. This not good, because he's previously had surgery for bladder cancer a few years ago.

Today he's not doing well. He's in pain, drinking Grand Marnier to deal with it, and has started bleeding into his urine again. He could be going back to the hospital again if things don't improve.

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Morenin » 10/11/15

*hugs Zilvrae* Thoughts and prayers with you.

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Slipps » 10/12/15

*hugs*

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Sibelle » 10/12/15

*Hugs Zilvrae*

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Lily
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Lily » 10/17/15

I have been sick for several years now. When I have a flare up, my joints turn red and swell and hurt so badly that even turning a doorknob makes me want to cringe. A rash appears on the front of my legs. My skin breaks out in hives, even though I'm not really allergic to anything (as I recently found out). My stomach feels like a rat with teeth made of lava crawled inside and is gnawing and twisting my guts into knots. It gets so bad that I just want to die to end the pain, and I'm always so incredibly tired. I won't even get into the number of times I crawl from my bed to the bathroom and (sometimes) back again. It's amazing how cool and comfortable the bathroom floor can be.

For the most part, I've managed to keep my symptoms under control.

Today, we're getting everything ready for my son to bring his girlfriend home to meet us. Around 4 pm, I felt this awful, gut-wrenching pain in my belly. I realized in horror that I'd not eaten anything all day. I'm thinking, "Oh, no. Not tonight. Please don't do this to me tonight. I want to be there to meet his girlfriend!" I did quickly whip something up to eat and said a little prayer that I ate in time.

No such luck. 5 hours later, and I'm in intense pain. That rat is back and chewing through my side again with his lava fangs, and the muscles in my belly are contracting and twisting. The last time I was in this much pain, I was in labor. I have this overwhelming fear that my condition may have finally escalated into full-blown Crohn's Disease. That's a bullet I'm rather hoping to dodge, but it seems like my body has other ideas.

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Slipps » 10/18/15

*hugs*

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Zilvrae
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Zilvrae » 11/05/15

Ok, I've been kinda scarce recently. And it looks like that will continue.

That tumor that was removed from my father's bladder wasn't the extent of his cancer. Not by a long shot. Tomorrow he's getting a CAT scan to find out the full extent, but so far it looks to be his whole bladder, with the possibility that it has spread deeper.

Then next Friday, the doctor has scheduled a full family consultation, to go over results and options. None of them are good, just what's the least bad.

So, um, really haven't been in the mood for RP.

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Slipps
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Slipps » 11/06/15

*cuddles Zilv*

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by TinweSaa » 11/06/15

/hugs Zilvrae... Take your time. We will be here.

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Sibelle
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Sibelle » 11/06/15

*hugs Zilv*

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Morenin
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Morenin » 11/06/15

I was on adderall to help with binge eating, going off it because it's interacting badly with my bipolar. If my moods seem extreme, this is why, please forgive me.

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Morenin » 11/16/15

So depressed. I feel like this song is so me.
phpBB [media]

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Morenin
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Morenin » 11/17/15

Talked to my therapist, the Adderall is still messing with my brain chemistry. It should be back to normal by the end of the month.

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Zilvrae » 12/13/15

Posting an update.

My father went in for surgery on Wednesday. Complete bladder removal, which is very invasive surgery. Besides removing both the bladder and prostate, a piece of his intestine is used for building a new tube leading from his kidneys to an attached collection bag.

So, although the surgeon said the surgery went smoothly, he was in ICU for 2 days. First opportunity to visit him was yesterday, and he looks like death warmed over; in agony despite morphine, and miserable. This is going to be a long recovery.

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Slipps » 12/13/15

*hugs*

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Lily
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Lily » 12/13/15

*hugs Zilvrae*



So, apparently, I can't eat gluten... because that's been causing the majority of my AI symptoms over the last several years. I discovered this when hubby began making dinners with rice and potatoes for a week because I told him that I liked rice dishes. At the end of the week, I felt better than I had in years, quite literally years. Then we had pasta, and by the next day, I was in almost crippling pain and nausea, and those annoying hives appeared on my legs again. Then I thought about it for a while. All this mess started several years back when I began using roux in my food to stretch out my meals and save a little on the grocery budget. A roux is equal parts oil and flour. Now it's suddenly clicking and making sense.

I either have a gluten intolerance, a gluten allergy, or Celiac's Disease, and doctors couldn't figure this out, why?

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Sibelle » 12/13/15

I feel you 100% Lily. As an experiment, I tried lactose free milk/eggnog the past few weeks and have basically reduced my dairy consumption to nil. I tried ONE THING with dairy in it a few days ago. Still feeling it in my poor stomach.

I am sure it's not my only GI problem but it has likely been a major factor for years and now I am contemplating taking the supplements for it and will be focusing on eating only goat cheeses/cheese with low lactose content because obviously I'm very intolerant.

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Morenin
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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Morenin » 12/13/15

Sib, not that it helps much, but before I became full on allergic to ALL dairy I had recipes using goat cheese, yogurt etc. I can give em to you if you want.

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Re: Keep Me in Your Thoughts ...

Post by Ceela » 12/14/15

My sister in law has thyroid cancer. She makes my little brother so happy... Hopefully it hasn't migrated. Tomorrow they operate. Please keep her and her unborn child in your prayers.

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